Be My Valentine: The Psychology of Attraction (2024)

Physical Magnets

Evolution whispers to us. We’re drawn to features associated with healthy offspring, like facial symmetry and clear skin. It’s our ancient brain giving us hints.

Our senses also call to us… and pheromones play a starring role. These subtle chemical signals can influence how we perceive someone’s compatibility. Even the unique pitch and rhythm of someone’s voice influences whether we find them attractive,

Emotional Resonators

When someone mirrors our values, interests, and humor, it’s like finding a comfortable beat in our own internal rhythm. This resonance builds understanding and a desire to connect deeper. You are sharing a frequency.

The brain’s reward loop has a big part in this, too. Dopamine, the brain’s happy juice, gets a boost when we meet someone interesting. This chemical dance fuels curiosity and keeps us wanting to know more.

Speaking of dancing, the vulnerability tango can build attraction as well, as true connection often comes with sharing our vulnerabilities. This emotional risk-taking can build a deeper bond than just physical attraction.

Social Catalysts

When it comes to attraction, proximity matters. Frequent encounters, even casual ones, can increase positive feelings. It’s like the familiar face at the coffee shop – familiarity breeds attraction.

Mirrored reflections increase attraction also. When we feel attracted, we subconsciously pick up on subtle cues of interest from the other person. This “mirroring” intensifies our own attraction, creating a positive feedback loop.

Unspoken messages we receive through body language, gestures, eye contact, and even posture tell stories without words. These cues can also create a powerful undercurrent of attraction in us, sometimes before we even realize it.

Dopamine

This chemical reward fuels initial excitement. When you find someone intriguing, dopamine explodes, making you curious, energized, and eager to learn more. It paints their positive qualities in bright colors, creating a sense of euphoria and desire.

Oxytocin

This bonding builder takes over as intimacy grows. It promotes trust, empathy, and
a deep sense of connection, like glue for emotional bonds. Oxytocin makes you feel safe, comfortable, and drawn closer to the person

Norepinephrine

This adrenaline cousin revs you up in the early stages. It raises your heart rate and sharpens your focus on the object of your desire, creating a buzz of nervous energy and excitement. Norepinephrine keeps you tuned in and engaged in the interaction.

Shared Experiences

Engaging in shared activities, from casual coffee dates to adventurous trips, creates positive memories. These shared experiences become anchors that strengthen the bond and bring you closer, building a foundation of shared laughter, challenges, and understanding.

Shared experiences don’t have to be grand adventures. Simply exploring each other’s interests, whether it’s visiting a favorite museum or trying a new cooking class, helps uncover shared passions and values, fostering a sense of connection and compatibility.

Communication

It’s important to move beyond superficial conversations and delve deeper. Share your thoughts, opinions, and vulnerabilities. Active listening and open communication build trust and understanding, fostering emotional intimacy and allowing you to connect on a deeper level.

Genuine compliments and expressions of gratitude are powerful relationship builders. Recognizing and appreciating each other’s qualities strengthens the bond and reaffirms your positive feelings towards one another.

Vulnerability

True connection often requires vulnerability. Sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and past experiences allows the other person to see the real you and creates a space for authentic intimacy. This vulnerability will deepen your emotional connection, and foster trust as you move beyond the surface level.

Vulnerability works best when it’s reciprocal. When both partners are willing to share their authentic selves, it creates a sense of emotional safety and encourages further self-disclosure, strengthening the bond and fostering genuine connection.

Myth 1: Opposites Attract

This romantic notion rarely holds true in real life. Studies show we tend to gravitate towards those who share similar values, personality traits, interests, and even backgrounds. This “similarity breeds liking” effect creates a sense of comfort, understanding, and predictability, fostering deeper connections. One study showed that partners were more likely to similar on 82 to 89 percent of traits, from substance use to political party.

Reality: While some differences can add spice to a relationship, shared values and goals form a stronger foundation for long-term compatibility.

Myth 2: Beauty is Everything

Physical attraction plays a role, but it’s far from the whole story. What we find “beautiful” is influenced by cultural norms, personal preferences, and even our own experiences.

Additionally, research suggests that as relationships deepen, the importance of physical attractiveness diminishes, while factors like kindness, humor, and intelligence gain precedence. A 2013 study titled “Is physical attractiveness important in long-term relationships?” by Stephanie Cacioppo and John Cacioppo, and published in Current Directions in Psychological Science in 2013, explored the importance of physical attraction in long-term relationships.

The study analyzed over 40 years of research on long-term relationships. It found that while physical attractiveness is relevant in the initial stages of attraction, its importance decreases as relationships mature. Factors like shared values, kindness, humor, and intelligence become more important predictors of relationship satisfaction and commitment in the long run.

Reality: Beauty fades, but inner qualities like kindness and sense of humor have lasting power.

Myth 3: Love at First Sight is Real

This Hollywood trope can be misleading. While intense initial attraction exists, true love usually develops over time, nurtured by shared experiences, communication, and emotional vulnerability. The initial “love” might be infatuation, fueled by dopamine, but genuine connection takes time and effort to build.

Reality: Deep love grows gradually, fostered by shared experiences and emotional vulnerability.

Myth 4: You Will “Just Know” When You Meet “The One”

Finding “the one” isn’t like finding a perfectly fitting shoe. Healthy relationship growth depends on a shared commitment to invest time, energy, and intentionality from both individuals. Idealizing a perfect partner sets unrealistic expectations and ignores the importance of communication, compromise, and growth within the relationship.

Reality: Strong relationships require commitment, effort, and a willingness to adapt and grow together.

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